Dalam diam sepenuhnya aku merayakan memilikimu (bersemarak dekat dan penuh)
There are several things that come to mind when I try to think about you and me, so I decided to list them down.
One, I think the fact that we’re brought together in this particular moment of our lives is proof enough that God has a good sense of humor. God or the universe or good energy or Cupido or the Pisces moon or whoever-the-fuck thought that we would be smart enough to fight against this. I think someone up there is trying to come up with whatever else I can survive now that I’ve become the villain of every previous love story.
Two, love? Disgusting. Relationships? Repulsive. Why anyone would regularly take time out of their lives to recall what they’re doing to someone else is beyond me. Ask me why I do it, then, and my mind goes blank. But you ask me to do it, and I do it gladly. It’s you, after all.
Three, honey, you terrify me. All that drive, all that discipline, all of that ambition and focus and heart that you put into what you do. What I would do to have that presence in my life (or rather what I wouldn’t do)
Four, a confession: I’ve always put people in boxes. It’s easier for me that way. It’s lover or player, it’s friend or paramour. It’s either I don’t care about you, or I invest everything in your being. And then you decided to come around, and where do I put you now?
Five, does anything mean anything if it is done in secrecy?
Six, does it mean everything because nobody else has to know?
Seven, I would love to be one of those people who do things without thinking about repercussions. I would love to think about the now, and the me-of-the-now just wants you as long as I can. But I am me after all, and I live in the future. And so
Lastly, the reason why I have to try to think about you is that I don’t hear myself thinking around you. You ask and I comply, you tell me things and I listen, you annoy me and I laugh, you say certain things and my stupid heart decide to stop in its track. I can’t remember the last time I had something so stable that all I had to do is to respond, something so peaceful that it left me room to feel. But if I let myself feel now, I won’t be able to think. I won’t think about the consequences, about what would happen if we…
what if we…
are we?
(are we not?)
